I finally realize why things didn’t work out the way that they did with you. You were too far away and at the time I thought you were just an asshole. I do think that you shouldn’t have dropped me the way that you did but its okay because I realize why you did that now. You and me would have been perfect had we lived closer together. Maybe later on in life we will meet again and be able to pick back up where we left off. You were the one guy I could actually say that I smile about now because I loved us. I am no upset but I loved how we were and I miss it, but these things happen and this is life and sometimes in life things happen for reasons and we move on like I have moved on from you. 6/3/13
Those comments you made.. You have no idea how much of an impact they made on me. I am NOT a whore. It disgusts me that I still want you so bad after everything you put me through. If you aren’t chasing me to get with me, then you insulting me and calling me ugly things and mean words that I don’t want to say because you just spew vile at me half the time. I honestly don’t know why, half of me thinks you are still angry over everything that happened and I am sorry if that is the case but you have to understand something, I did what I did because at the time I thought that was best. We tried again but you didn’t want it, so this isn’t my fault anymore and I won’t let you blame me. I still want you so bad and I have no idea how I could ever even want you back but I guess somethings aren’t always as easy as you think. 5/24/13
Things happen and life goes on, its hard to explain all the bad things that happen and the reasons why but there is a reason for everything I believe. Sometimes in life you don’t get what you want not because you want it so bad that you can’t have it but because it just wasn’t meant for you, and something or someone better is coming along. I know sometimes stress grab hold of people and take them scary places (like me) but that doesn’t mean that they don’t come back. Life is about a bunch of stories, ones that already happened and ones waiting to happen. I realize that in life you have to take it as it comes, you can’t always know what is coming next, you can have a plan but that doesn’t mean your plan will work out. Sometimes life grabs hold of you from behind without you looking and takes you to different places and meeting new people. I guess I’ve realized I am more lucky than I know. I’ve had this page for two long years and I write everything down in here like it is my journal. I think my blog has seen better days. I don’t really know when I will stop writing, eventually I know I will because the dates on here seem to get further and further spread apart. I just want anyone to know, whoever has actually taken the time to read about my boring shitty ass life, that everything does get better in time it does. I know it isn’t exactly better for me yet but I know it is coming. I want you to take life as it comes and enjoy every moment because you never know when your last day might be. 5/13/13
You know that moment when you just are in school and everyone just knows what you did over the weekend, so when you walk down the hallway everyone is either staring or you know they are talking about you? First time that has ever happened to me and all I did was fucking hook up with some “popular” girls prom date. I have had more drama happen to me in the last 2 weeks than I have had in my whole life, I literally did nothing wrong. I’m so sick of high school and all the burdens it brings on. I can’t take this anymore, its cracking me bad. 5/7/13
I want you to fucking know how it feels. I just don’t want to be the second choice anymore. I can’t take being another second choice. I am ALWAYS the second choice. Am I not good enough? Am I the ugly friend? I always come in second to everyone. Everyone single person I fucking know I come in second too and it always happens no matter who it is I’m the second choice and I don’t think that will ever change. Motherfucker, I am so done with this shit. I am so done with everything and everyone. I need to get away or run away or just be away and alone for a long time. 4/26/13
I don’t want to do this anymore. Its one of those shitty ass days, I do not want to go on anymore. I do not want to keep living. I can’t keep living I want to end everything. I’m so sick and tired of the same shit just a different day. I need to get out I have to get out, I must get out. I can’t do this anymore. I serious issues I’m a fuck up. I need help I need to get out. I have to get out of my mind and everything. I can’t do this anymore. Fuck it. 4/26/13
Every single day is just so different for me. When I come home its always in the a bad mood, and I just gravitate towards a bad mood ALL the time and I don’t know why and I don’t know how to change that. I feel like I have no control over myself and I can’t think straight. One day I feel like everything is going great and the next I feel like complete shit and everything gets to me and bugs me and I just cannot be happy and I have no clue why. It isn’t like I’m trying not to be happy it just happens like that and I just don’t know what to do or what to say or how to act or how to feel or anything anymore. I mean I have my REALLY good days which are rare. Then I have my okay days which are just normal. Then I have my alright days which are mainly the days I have and half the day I spend in a bad mood. And then I have my shitty ass days where I am bitch to everyone I know and most of the time I don’t mean it that’s just the way I am and I don’t exactly know how to change that or what to do to make it better. I try really hard I do but I just don’t know how to make it better anymore I just really don’t know what to do anymore. 4/25/13
I cannot believe the last week. Everything for me has literally done a totally flip. I’m feeling a little better and everything seems better. I know I probably shouldn’t have hooked up with him but hey he is attractive and who cares!? I realized more and more lately that no one really cares. I mean they care about the gossip but once they hear it, it is kind of just like whatever. I mean unless it is something super shocking then nothing really matters anymore. I know for me I just don’t really care anymore because thats me and that is how I am. And I am so happy he is back now and his two year leave has now ended! He is coming back for good next time and I hope he keeps all of his promises to me. 4/23/13
I’m so sick and tired of everyone else getting involved in my shit, like stay out of it it involves me not you. I will do things the way I’m going to do them, my way. Did I ask for your fucking opinion? No, so why the fuck am I getting your opinion, I don’t want it. Don’t try and fucking “help” you make things worse not better. I’m trying as hard as I can and I don’t need to pressure of other people screwing me up, I’ll do what I want. I am a big girl I can handle myself I don’t need other people trying to butt in or get involved in the shit that should stay between me, myself, and I or between me and someone else. That shit is private not for the whole fucking world to see and comment on. Stay out of my shit. 4/12/13
I honestly can’t take this pressure any longer. I have so much to worry about between prom, school work, SAT, ACT, college, golf, and my whole future. I honestly would love to cut my future short right now. I would love to just cut everything short and let everything go and just accept what I want right now. I just can’t take anything any longer. I have lost all my faith in God because I honestly believe I was forgotten about. No one understands and I just can’t take this anymore. Everything is just so much to deal with and I just don’t want to let myself down. I just want to model that’s all. I just want to be given a chance and if I was I wouldn’t be contemplating suicide every time things got super tough. I just can’t do my life anymore I feel like I have just screwed up so much and I can’t take this anymore I can’t take where my life is going and I just don’t want to deal with any of this anymore. I am just not cut out for life, I am a screw up and I know that I am. I just can’t help it and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. I don’t know how to deal with where my life is heading. No one wants me, and I honestly can’t deal with my life anymore, I feel helpless and like I don’t belong anywhere with anyone not even my friends. I may be all smiles and happy when you are with me but I just act it all out to make it seem so much better than what it actually is. I guess I’ll just stay miserable for awhile. 4/8/13
I wanna be happy, I wanna be so happy, but its just everything. I just want to get away. I just want to become happier, I just want to stop crying. I just want to stop with the suicidal thoughts. I wanna stop putting myself into stupid situations. You know you get that one thing in your life that goes really shitty and it just messes everything else up. I know I must sound so pathetic ALL the time but honestly I just don’t really know how to deal with it. No know understands how I even feel or what its like for me. I just wanna feel better about everything that has happened and everything that has been happening. I’m sick of feelings shitty and honestly everyone always says how you make yourself happier but honestly how can you make yourself happy when everything in your life is just going so shitty. How can you make yourself happy again once you have hit rock bottom? How can people come back from the bottom and end up at the top? How can I get better? I just want everything to get better. I just want to finally feel better about myself and everything. You never know how much damage people can do until they have actually done all the damage. I have considered death, I will not lie about that. I do things all the time that I am not proud of. I put myself through so much shit and I know that the reason I am where I am right now is mainly because of me and all the shit I have done to myself. I have beat and been a bitch to myself. I have fucked up so many things I lost count. And once you fuck up that many things, and you fuck up that one thing that you thought was going to be good, you get damaged and you get damaged bad. And that’s what I think I am, is damaged bad. I know I don’t have half the problems a lot of other people have but I fuck everything up. It no ones fault but mine and I take FULL credit for everything in my life that is going wrong and the reasons why I am so fucked up right now. Everything always turns into something bigger and worse and everything could always be worse and I always try to tell myself that but honestly I have reached my boiling point and I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t keep doing this anymore. I’ve reached my ultimate high and now I’m ready to fly. 4/6/13
Its my life I’ll do what I want when I want to do it. I’m done pleasing everyone else and trying to accommodate them. I’m done trying to change, I am who I am and there is no changing that. I will never ever ever try to change myself for a guy every again, because it wasn’t my loss, it was always his. I finally realize it was his fault and when I’m gone he is going to be wishing I was back. I’m taking up my dreams again, here I come modeling, I will be on that cover of vogue and when he sees it, he’s going to be like, “damn, how did I let her go?” He is going to be asking himself why he let me go. I’m done with the games. I’m done with the bullshit. I’m not letting all this bullshit go on for another day because I’m over it. Time to get back to myself and back to who I really am. I am stronger and better than this and him. 4/5/13
Ahh shit I want ya bad boy but you’re so far baby. And hanging out with him last night, typical he flirts with me sober. It’s not just when he is drunk, it is when he is sober too, fucking perfect. HAHAHA wow you are so goddamn irresistible. Fuck. 4/3/13
Talk about fucked up situation. HAHAHAHA fuck me. It’s actually all my fucking fault. Wonderful. 3/25/13
Haven’t you learned your lesson Allie? Why haven’t you learned your lesson yet? He made you look like the stupid one, because you are. You are just a piece of shit, congrats bitch, you are actually a fuck up. Well I can say good-bye to my “good place” because that’s gone. I can’t believe I actually just tried to have this conversation with him, you know how he is, you know what he is like, why would you try to talk? What the actual fuck is wrong you Allie? 3/25/13
Please don’t make me cry. Please I’m begging you baby don’t make me cry. I’m insane, don’t make me cry. Please, please, please, please, please, please, I’m begging you don’t make me cry. 3/25/13
Because I don’t need this, and I’m better than that. I don’t need you in my life anymore. I want you so bad but I’m done, I’ve been done. I’m moving on and I’m good I really am. I can feel my good place coming on, I just know it. 3/25/13
I hope you are happy. I hope you have gotten everything you wanted. I hope you realize that I’m not gonna be there anymore. I’m not sticking around anymore. I truly hope that you are happy with yourself because honestly I did not lose you, you lost me. 3/20/13
I hate it when my friends do that too me, and I know why they did, so that I could finally get over him. But hooking up with another guy won’t let me forget about him. It will make me ten times more upset because he was at another party hooking up with another girl. I actually thought though that hooking up with him would actually make me forget him, but it didn’t work and now I’m just in sit load of a mess again. 3/17/13
We never really ended on good terms, and when I realized it was my fault and I was the one fucking up I got scared. I guess one of the reasons I can’t let go is because I fucked it up and I need to fix it. But I guess sometimes you can’t always fix something you fucked up, you just have to get over it and move on. I’ve realized that even if you and me did talk things out and still liked each other, which I highly doubt will ever happen, we won’t be able to date anyways because our situation is too fucked up for anything to happen. I know its mostly my fault and I really screwed you over but I never meant too and I always had the best intentions for us, I really did. Everything takes time to heal and I will probably write about you 400 more times before I finally get it through my head we will never get back together and I finally move on. Its alright though to cry and let it all out once in a while, I’m upset and its okay, but I gotta start being a better person. I gotta do me and you have to do you. No more hook-ups, no more make-out sessions, no more comments, no more flirting. We need to be done with each other because that is what’s best for you and me. And if you really did like me you would show it and you would want me and want something more for us. But I can tell you don’t and this isn’t love, its more of a lust and that’s okay I just need to do me for awhile now. We still will hangout and everything but we need to stop with everything more because we are nothing more and we will probably never be anything more. I sure as hell know I was close to love with you because we went at it for almost a year and I’m heartbroken. But love is patience and love is kind and I’ll get better and I’ll find someone new just like you will. You’re going to find someone ten times better than me, I promise. Sorry for fucking everything up baby, we did so good but its time to go now and its time to get back to ourselves. 3/15/13
I let everything out. I let all of it out. I took a long walk into the forest and I cried and I told myself never again. I feel better, not entirely but better. I have a new sense of myself. I did so good, and I am so thankful that I know I can overcome my problems. I might not stay like this, but I’m hoping with each day that passes by I will be better and I will gain more and more happiness. I don’t know what it is about the woods and nature and listening to the trees sway from the wind but its calming and it helps, and its my new escape. 3/14/13
Why can’t I just be happy for once. Why can’t I just have the good things happen to me? Why do we need to play games? Why didn’t we talk about it? Why do I always wanna cry? Why do I always get upset? Why is everything turning to shit? 3/11/13
I keep going back, you keep pulling me back. I want you to pull me back. I want to play games with you. I want to go back to those things because its better than having nothing with you. I’m done talking about it, but it doesn’t mean I’m not done thinking about it. 3/7/13
But the thing is, you are right, it was my fault, entirely my fault. You told me so many times what you would do and you left me and it was all my fault. Maybe that is why I can’t leave because it was my fault. I ruined you and I’m sorry. I played games with you and I’m sorry. So I guess its payback that I like you and you don’t like me. Its okay though, I can work through it. I just don’t want to hurt anyone like I have hurt you ever again. I’m sorry I didn’t stay baby. I’m sorry it was all my fault baby. And I’m sorry that sorry doesn’t cut it. You wanted me so bad and so did I but I played games the whole time and I realize I was a bitch. And you were so good to me and I never meant to do those things to you, I guess things just go out of hand. When I look back I realize you really did want me as much as I want you now. I just am so sorry I ruined you and your first relationship, I’m sorry I was the first girl to break your poor little heart, because I was cruel and brutal and I lied and cheat and I deserve everything you are doing to me now, I really do. Sorry I didn’t stay. 3/5/13
When you look back at all those memories, texts, posts, and pictures it makes you miss all of that, everything you two had, everything we had. I miss you baby. I miss you a lot. I want you to come back for good. I’m sick of having to go back into memories to get the good times. Let’s make it real, promise you’ll stay this time? Promise we will work it out? Promise me that we can and will work it out. Just stay. Let’s just go back to what we had before and let’s make it work this time. Promise? 3/4/13
How come I fuck everything up all the time. It is always my fault, I fuck everything that I care about up. Why am I always making the mistakes? What the fuck is wrong with me. I need to get my shit together and actually get over you because you are fucking up everything. I can’t keep crying every night. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m such a fuck up. I’m going no where in life and my future is shit. I have actually given up on my life, I have actually given up. Fuck it. 3/3/13
I just still don’t understand how you can talk to me with just nothing. You can talk to me as if nothing ever happened between us, like how do I even go along with it? That’s the reason I’m stuck is because you keep asking to hang out and I keep saying yes. You invite me places and I keep going. We hook up and nothing happens. I get upset, we don’t talk until the weekend where we hook up again. Then nothing happens and I get upset again and I stay upset. I do things I’m not proud of. I just don’t get how you can act like nothing happened, that is all I want to know is how can you look me straight in the face and think nothing of the past or the memories of us. How can you not have any feelings at all? It drives me crazy. 2/27/13
We had a good run. I’ve cried so many times I lost count. I guess I realized being angry or upset won’t do a thing. We won’t talk about it ever or resolve it ever, it will be left like this. I may cry more and still get upset. I still like you, but I realize now we did have a good run its really time to clean myself up and get out of this shit hole, because it’s not worth being in anymore. No matter what happens from here on out, I can’t care or let it get to me, because we are over and that is that. You don’t care, you never did and I see it’s fine now, I don’t care, I just, I find it so hard to see how you didn’t care about me after everything. After all the shit we have been through together you just don’t care about me or anything that we had. It’s just going to be hard to clean myself up and stop crying and get over you. Time to leave and get myself back again. 2/25/13
I am so drained. I’ve been crying and upset, and I’m mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. I’m tired and no longer put-together. I’m getting the feeling that I can’t handle anymore. I need a break and a long one. I need rest and relaxation. I need to get away from this place. Depression and anxiety are chasing after me faster than I can run. I can’t go back to three or more panic attacks a day, I can’t go back to them lasting longer and longer each time I have one. I can’t deal with this anymore. Someone, I’m screaming out, help me. 2/24/13
Why, why don’t you care? It breaks me down so much, every night to think that you don’t care about me. I just want you back. I just want the summer back. It so hard to let you go. I believe every fucking lie you said to me. Every single lie. Every fucking action was a lie. You don’t care and I just want you back, I just want everything back. I would let all the lies go, I swear I would, just to start over. I would let everything go, because that’s how much I want you back, that is how many fucking tears I have cried for you. I just wish that I didn’t fall into this stupid trap like I always do. You really showed me, you really did. I’m a mess thanks to you. The things I have made myself do. Thinking maybe that if I were skinnier than maybe you would want me then. Maybe if I made myself throw up, maybe then you would want me back. Maybe if I dressed a little more slutty maybe then you would want me back. Maybe if I hook up with you again you’ll want me back. Maybe if we go a little bit further this is time you’ll want me back. Maybe if I cry every single fucking night I’ll get you back. Maybe, if I get with another guy that will make you jealous and I’ll get you back. Maybe, just maybe if I make myself throw up one more time then you’ll really want me. Well I guess I fucking thought wrong, because I made myself throw up, I made myself dress a little more slutty, I hooked up with you, I went a little farther with you, tried to make you jealous, threw the fuck up again, and nothing I got nothing. All I got back was to find out you ask some other girl to prom. So why do I still stick around? Because I don’t know how to fucking leave. 2/17/13
Learning is hard, and loving is hard, but when you learn you can love. 2/17/13
Its not enough to tell me that you care, and promise me you won’t hurt me. I can’t trust you. I’m so grateful that he stood up for me. He was the first person to ever see me cry and break down. I have never gotten so upset especially like that over a boy. He meant so much to me. Thank you for showing me that he really is an asshole, but no matter what anyone tells me I still have feelings for him. I don’t really know how to make them go anyway but I’ll try. 2/17/13
No more tears please baby, don’t let me cry anymore. Why the fuck do I keep crying, why do I keep thinking about you and everything that happened. When touching turned into grabbing, and gentle turned into rough, and the kissing stopped, I realized then. Why the fuck am I still hanging on you like I didn’t know that this was going to happen. Why are you still the only thing that crosses my mind all the time. Why do I wonder what would have happened over the summer had I said yes. Why do I keep going back to you, you’re shit and you degrade me and you treat me like shit. Why the fuck do I keep always coming back for more? 2/10/13
Here we go again, here come the tears. Here they come. I’ve cried for an hour straight now, he’s all I think about. I can’t do this. I need to get out. I want out, I want out of everything now. I just want out no matter what just please get me out of here. I need to be alone for awhile. I need to think about what I’m doing to myself. I need to give myself some space and figure this all out. 1/31/13
Thanks for using me, no really thank you for showing me that I will never ever trust you again. Everything you said to me Friday night, all those lies to get me to go a little bit further, they helped me to realize you don’t care about me. And you know what after last night talking to him, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. I don’t care anymore, we are done, we are done hooking up. I will never ever trust you ever again. I don’t care if its awkward when we hangout, I hope it is for you, I hope is so awkward for you cause it won’t be for me, cause I don’t care. Fuck you bitch, I’m done. 1/27/13
I tried to say no, I really did. I really tried but giving in was easier, and it was what I wanted. I wanted to do it, I felt like I had to do it. Why did I do it? If we don’t talk I don’t think I’ll be able to handle myself anymore I can’t take it anymore. 1/26/13
It gets a little easier every time I do it. Every time I make myself do it. I looked myself in the mirror and said I won’t do it, and then ten second later, I was doing it again. It’s not a problem I can deal with it, I can. I just don’t even know why I’m doing it. I need to help myself. I can’t help myself. I need to breath, slow, steady, and deep breaths. 1/25/13
When I was growing up, I always told myself I would never do that. I always thought it was better than that, and now I’m doing it. I didn’t want to do it but I forced myself to. I sat there and I forced myself to do it. I always thought I would never ever even dare to do something like that. Now standing there and staring at myself in that mirror, realizing what I have done, and what I have become only makes me want to do it more, only makes me want to hurt myself for the things I make myself do. Its no ones fault why girls do this, why I did it, blaming society is true, but in reality it no one else’s fault but yours. 1/21/13
I can’t believe what I have become. I never thought I would do that. I never thought I would make myself do something like that. I never thought I would take it to that extreme. I never thought I would actually do that to myself. I have never been so ashamed of myself in my whole entire life, I’ve never been so disappointed, not because I did that, but because I want to do it again. 1/18/13
I haven’t broken down like that in ages. Its actually felt good, to just let it all out like that, just crying until I couldn’t cry anymore, screaming, and sobbing. It felt good. I feel okay. I’m not okay again but I feel actually somewhat better in a sense. I’m trying I really am. I just need to take slow, steady, and deep breaths. That’s the trick, slow, steady, and deep breaths. 1/17/13
Better run baby, its coming, its sprinting. You better run faster because here it comes. 1/16/13
sadness, doesn’t just happen. You fall into it and drown and before you know it, it has engulfed you. The only probably is, you can’t swim. Down, down, down, down, down, down. 1/16/13
So young so broken, the poor girl that needs something, something more than just this, so young so broken, that poor, poor girl. 1/15/13
Breathe, I can’t fucking breath. Anxiety, I just need to breathe, I need to take a deep breath, but I can’t. I can’t get air down, slow, steady, and deep breaths just breath Allie, slow, steady, and deep breaths. 1/15/13
But baby, I want you. Baby I need you. 1/13/13
I can’t it anymore, I don’t wanna do it anymore. I love you so much baby, why can’t we just work it out. Why do you have to be so difficult and stubborn. Why do you have make me cry every night. Baby do you even care half as much as I do. Baby just tell me, I want you, I want all of you. I just I’m losing you, baby I want you so much, please don’t leave me, I’m begging you baby please don’t go tonight. 1/12/13
Stop worrying there is no sense in it Allie. No one has total control over their life and worrying doesn’t make anything better. There is nothing you can do about anything so stop worrying about it and let whats gonna happen, happen. 1/6/13
Wow this is just fucking spectacular. 1/5/13
Looking back on everything that we had I do miss it. I miss the old you though and I would take you back, but I was the one who changed you and I’m so sorry for that. I really am and I was an ass to you, so I guess that is why you are one to me now. I guess in a certain way I deserve it but still, I’m so sorry and if I could take it back I swear I would and you would be the same boy from the summer. You hate me and I’m so sorry for hurting you, I wish I could tell you all this but I can’t and you would make fun of me anyway and I would just go ahead and cry myself to sleep again like I normally do. It’s okay though I’ll get over it, just like you did. I just hope you know how honestly and truly and deeply sorry I am. 1/3/13
I don’t even believe last night happened. He bought me dinner, Starbucks, and a bra from Victoria’s Secret. I don’t even believe he did that. I don’t care that he was talking about the girl he liked the whole time, I really don’t but those feelings from 7th & 8th grade those were back last night. I saw the old him. I was the lucky girl who got to see the old him, and he was so much more than honest with me about everything from freshman year and grade school. I guess I’m just still in awe. 1/3/13
fuck. 12/29/12
deep, steady, and slow breaths, just breath. Deep, steady, and slow breaths, just breath Allie, just breath. 12/29/12
Now I’m wishing for it, I am truly wishing for it, thanks “friends” you guys really showed me. Especially you thanks so much. I said I would never ever wish for it, and now I finally am, I hope I get what I want for once. 12/29/12
how much longer of this? I want this to be over, over forever and ever, let it be done. 12/26/12
sorry I’m not what you wanted. 12/22/12
fuck you. I’m done. 12/21/12
You give me butterflies and as much as I hate it, I adore it. I
want you back, I won’t chase, but mark my words, I will get what I want. 12/20/12
I’ve been in a bad mood because of you for the last week, I hope you are happy, because I’m not. 12/16/12
I’m sick of you. I feel like I’m fighting with a five year old. Honestly, why can’t we just talk about it? I don’t understand why the hell you’re acting like you are two years old. I’m upset, how can you not see that? Honestly, you’re sixteen and you can’t even come to me and try to at least put some effort into you and me and try to discuss us, I don’t get it. Never ever ever again, and that’s a promise. 12/13/12
Trust no one. Not even family. Especially not family 12/10/12
This is what I wanted and this is what I got. I got you back. I finally got back what I was wishing for, but I just don’t think that this is right. I mean sure I wanted you back and everything, but I just feel odd. I’m scared of the future and I don’t feel well anymore around you. My stomach gets in knots and I feel like I am going to throw up on my shoes. I’m afraid of awkwardness the most. Its never been like this. I don’t know what changed and why I feel like this now, and not before. I just don’t know what it is. 12/9/12
There is a fine line for everyone where things are just enough and you can barley get by, and that point where you can’t do it anymore. I have crossed that fine line. I can’t take it anymore, I’m sick of this again and I just feel like nothing ever works out. I just can’t, all my mistakes are everything I ever think of. All my screw-ups are the only thing I think of anymore. All those embarrassing moments, I feel like I’m gonna be sick half the time. I’m uneasy and I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s hard and it’s getting even harder. 11/27/12
I cannot wait until that day where I’m on that cover of that magazine; where everyone wants a picture with me. I can not wait until the day I make it, just to show everyone I can make it. I want those girl watching me make my dream come true. I want to be that girl. I will be that girl; and I will not take no for an answer. 10/28/12
“Our days are numbered, and we know we’re not gettin’ younger, but it’s nights like these that make you not really care.” - The Maine 10/28/12
I can’t even believe I saw you today. I’m in shock. I’ve missed you so much and I see you surrounded by every girl that I don’t like but for some reason because it was you it made everything okay. I didn’t care I just wanted to be near you. My heart sank and all those memories came back and I just, I can’t believe its been this long. I miss you but I just don’t think that feeling is mutual. 10/24/12
I can’t do it. I’m not okay. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t. 10/14/12
I deserve better. I don’t even deserve to be myself. 10/14/12
I can’t do this anymore. I’m not okay. I just want to cry every second of everyday. I just want to give up, let the anxiety win. I just want it this to be over, I want everything and everyone to just go the hell away. 10/14/12
I swear never ever again. I seriously am so sick and tired of you. I love you but I just can’t do this, I seriously can’t. I feel like I’m the girl you go to when you’re bored or like when you have nothing better to do. I’m sure the second after you hang up the phone with me you’re laughing and making fun of me. I can’t believe I ever thought you could have liked me, wow I’m so stupid. 10/8/12
You know, I never ever really knew what I wanted to do with my life until now. I wish I had known when I was 13 years old, because now I’m 16 I’m a junior in high school and time is flying by. I don’t want to go to college, I never really have and I can’t really picture myself going. I just want to become a full time model and not have to worry about stupid school or majoring and minoring. I would have to worry about when the next photo-shoot was and how to pose and be good. I know that modeling does take a lot of work, like anything else and getting to the top is hard. I don’t care though, I want it all I wanna be Cara Delevingne walking down the Burberry runway. I wanna be the next Miranda Kerr posing for the new Victoria’s Secret ads. I know I’m short and I know I could never really do runway because I’m so short, but I just want to be given a chance. I want to become the “it” girl. I keep saying it will happen; but to be completely and utterly honest I don’t even know where to begin. I’m scared out of my mind, because I don’t want to be stuck in college and going somewhere where I know I am not suppose to be. Modelling is my calling in life, I just know it. 11/7/12
This is it. This is what I’m doing. Screw college, screw high school, screw all these damn people. I am becoming a model. I am pursuing my dream. I don’t care what it takes. I don’t care how much it costs. This is what I want for my life. This is my plan A. This is what I am doing with life and I don’t care who tries to hold me back. Don’t you dare ever try and hold me back, because this is what I’m doing whether you like it or not. This is what I am meant to do, I just know it. 10/2/12
I can’t anymore. I’m always in a bad mood and I cry so much. I hate school I can’t do this anymore. Yesterday was my birthday and I cried three times. I cried three freaking times on my damn birthday. I’m so done with everything and everyone. 9/25/12
I realized that for the first time ever that you should never ever give up on the things you love or the person you love. It doesn’t matter if its your passion or your other half, never ever give up on them. You never realize what you had until its gone. That’s why I’m not giving up, I WILL become a model, I WILL become the “it girl”, and I WILL NOT give up on you I promise. If theres anything I’ve learned the hard way its that you could try ninety-nine times and fail but that doesn’t mean on the hundredth time that you won’t succeed. NEVER EVER give up on that person you love or your passion in life, because that’s what makes you who you are. 9/14/12
I think that everything a purpose. I think that there is a reason for everything and that if something doesn’t turn out the way I want it to its because its not meant to. Its because then my life would be completely different and things wouldn’t be right. I’m finally starting to get it now. 8/14/12
That’s it then. I guess I have a lot of things coming toward me. I’m sorry for everything I do wrong. I really am. I’m trying to be a better and bigger person. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to be nicer or okay again. I just don’t and I’m sorry for everything I do wrong. 8/12/12
I’m not okay. I admit it I am not okay. I’m back from vacation and I had the most amazing time every with the most amazing people ever; but right now I just don’t feel alright. This doesn’t feel like being home and I hate it. I just don’t know what it is but I don’t like it at all. I hate it actually I hate it so much because I’m just not okay and I feel like I won’t be for awhile. 8/5/12
I can’t take this anymore. You want me then you don’t want me. I mean sure I’m wrong for playing with you too but like come on now you’re just being an asshole. I honestly just like don’t even know what to say or do anymore. Like okay you just keep doing that. 7/25/12
Are you trying to get me jealous? If you haven’t noticed its working and you’re being an asshole douchebag. Please do us both a favor and get lost. I’m sick of hearing about her and I can’t take it anymore. You know I want you so why do you insist on talking about her? Please stop you’re not fooling anyone. 7/16/12
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t wanna get hurt, I don’t wanna be the one doing the hurting. I just don’t know how to do this anymore. I need something more than just this. 7/15/12
I admit that baby I miss seeing your face. I admit it all that I miss you like crazy. I miss you more than you will ever know, and now that I actually might have the chance to see you one more time before you departure to your amazing well of life, I feel like my whole world is crashing down. Since sixth grade I have been in love with you. We used to be so close and I still like to think we are that close; but I just guess some things are never that easy. 7/12/12
Wow thank God that is finally over. 7/9/12
What if my life becomes a disaster? What if I screw up my whole entire life. What then? What if I never find my prince charming and never have my happy ending? I’m so scared of the real world. I’ve never been so scared of something in my whole entire life. What if everything just collapses right in front of me and I can’t do a thing about it. I just need some help or something to make sure everything will be alright, that everything will work out. 7/7/12
I’m sorry for putting you through this. I’m so sorry for being so difficult all the time. I know that you want me and I can’t seem to want you back. I feel so bad and I’m so sorry that I still can’t seem to make up my mind. I just don’t think I’m worth it. I’m not worth fighting for, I’m not worth taking a risk for because in the end I’ll end up alone and I’ll push you away like I did to everyone else. I’m sorry I know you wanted this, I guess I wanted it to but I just can’t seem to bring myself to it. I just don’t think I can make anyone happy. I guess I will just always be that girl who is alone, and I’m okay with that I really am. I just don’t wanna hurt anyone else. 7/5/12
To everyone who doesn’t believe in me, who talks behind my back, who thinks I’m a screwup, who thinks I’m a whore, who thinks I’ll never make it, who screwed me over, and to you most of all. One day I’ll be the one laughing. I swear I’m going to be making the cut. I’ll be the girl on the cover of that magazine. I’m dreaming big because I can and because I know that it will happen. One day I’ll be looking back at everyone who told me I couldn’t do it. I know its going to be hard but I don’t care, I just want to be the girl I know I can be and if it means going to the end of the earth then I will do it. I’ll do anything. 6/10/12
The fact that you have the audacity to go out and to say something like that about me when you don’t even know me. Who the hell do you think you are? I did absolutely nothing wrong and you have no right to call me something that I am not. I hate this society because every is such a douche. Get a life and live it. 6/6/12
Is this even worth it anymore? I feel like nothing is worth anything anymore. I just feel like I’m sinking more and more. I feel like life isn’t even worth it anymore, I don’t wish for death, I never would, but I’d rather go sooner than later. 5/24/12
One day I’m telling you it’s gonna happen. I will make it happen. I will never ever let my dreams go because one day everyone will know my name and I’m going to be the “it” girl. I don’t know how yet but I will find a way to make it happen, mark my words baby because this is real. 5/23/12
I have never been so confused in my entire life. I keep digging myself deeper into this hole and I’m sure if I even get out. I don’t know what to do anymore. Do I go for it or not? Am I being selfish or is it okay? Do I say yes or no? So many decisions to make, so little time 5/18/12
I try so hard in life but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just feel like nothing ever works out for me. I’m not cut out for life, I’m just not cut out for it. I am the biggest idiot ever and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I just don’t know anything at all anymore. I feel like no matter what I do I always end up hurting someone or ruining something. I don’t even know how to deal with myself anymore. 5/7/12
You know I never realized how much people actually change you. I mean even if you don’t them. You could have never met the person that has changed your life the most. I guess I’ve changed but not from the people I know; its from those who I don’t know. Those are the people with the most courage and strength to make a difference in someones life. I think for me that’s what I wanna do with my life. If there’s something I must do before I die, its to make a difference for someone. Change someones life, forever. 4/25/12
I think I have a serious problem. I think something is mentally wrong with me. I literally just want to curl up in a little ball and cry for no apparent reason at all, just because I feel like it. Sadness, its like an infection with no cure. I just wish that for once life was a little more exciting than what I bargained for, I guess that’s it then. I want more to life than just this. 4/21/12
I don’t think I would mind dying young. I mean sure I’ll miss out on experiences but I mean I’d rather just get it over with than have it hanging over my head. I know I’ll die someday but I guess I’d just rather have it come sooner than later. It’s not exactly a tragedy it’s just life and things happen and I’m not wishing for death but I just would rather die now than thirty years from now. 4/12/12
Life is like your most prized possession, but after a while it starts to get old. 4/4/12
You know, I love you and everything and you are one of my closest friends but come on. You take things way too far. Those are MY friends. Not yours and when you go around doing crap like that well what the hell? who the hell are you? Like what the hell are you doing? Please stop, you’re not impressing anyone and its not funny. It’s annoying and I fricking hate it, so stop. 3/30/12
I don’t think I have ever hated school so much. I’m tired and I’m sick of work and everything that comes with it. I just want to sleep and I want the never ending headache to finally go away. Taking a nap and never waking up, goodnight 3/26/12
Well here we go again. I mean come on now like really? I love the fact that you don’t wanna talk to me. Thanks love you too. I don’t even care anymore about anyone or anything. Everyone can go have a nice life because I’m moving to the middle of forest with all my clothes and a pillow. I hope everyone has a lovely life, its was truly “enchanted meeting you” 3/17/12
Why do you have to make everything so difficult. I just don’t get it. Why are you doing this to me? Its not like I’m never gonna see you again. I mean sure it might be a while but its not going to be that long. If you really want this to work you would suck it up and put effort into the relationship. I get that its probably one of the hardest things that we have both had to deal with but I mean why can’t we just get through it together? 2/28/12
I never realized that the guy who I have been in love with has been standing right in front of me my whole entire life. I never knew that it would come down to me and you. I know I have him now but I guess I just keep changing my mind about who I want. I know you don’t want me and last night showed that but I still can’t help wonder if theres maybe just something there. Maybe just a tiny spark of something that could possibly ignite the fire. Maybe I’m crazy here but I guess your worth testing the waters for. 2/19/12
It’s the truth that the world has broken me. It’s broken me into little tiny pieces. The only problem is I lost all the pieces. I guess its not as easy as I thought it was. 2/17/12
Well I feel like a complete and totally ass. 2/14/12
I never EVER thought this day would come. They’re finally over. And look what happened he came crawling back to me. So do I go with him or I am just his rebound for her. 1/30/12
I am so sorry I have to do this to you. I wish I didn’t have to but I do. And I know it sucks and I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart and I wish you the best I really do but I just can’t. 1/24/12
Seeing you was probably the worst mistake of my life. I miss you so much and seeing you again only made me want you more. But you rejected me. And him. Seeing him was just mixed signals. I loved you to get over him. You loved me when I loved him. So I guess I had this coming. Now that I love you, you don’t love me and maybe he does. So what’s a girl to do now? 1/18/12
I am so done with everyone else making me feel like crap. I get it I am not the happiest person on this earth but I know I’m not the most upset. I understand now that its me and its all those “friends”. Your not real friends and I have to get myself together I have to start acting realistically. This is life and I have to deal with it. I am the ony one who can make myself in better mood and I will. I guess I’m just sick of everyone. I mean everyone always has a problem these days. No one is ever just generally happy and I want to be generally happy. You know what, nikki don’t you ever change you are perfect and you know what you are probably the only sane person I know anymore. You can put a smile on my face no matter what. Don’t you dare ever change. So heres to my new years change! lezzgoo happiness!! :D 1/4/2012
I just don’t get it. If you suppose to be my friend then why does everything have to be so complicated. Why can’t things just go back to the way they were before. We don’t even laugh when were together anymore. I miss the old you. Not to mention I do a lot for you and you know what you have never given anything for me in return. I was never ever the pretty friend. That was always you. You always get the compliments never me. I guess I just don’t know what to do anymore with the constant stress that you bring into our friendship. 12/29/11
I don’t really care anymore. I don’t care what anyone says about me and I don’t care what you think about me. You can think I am the ugliest person in the whole and guess what I could care less. Caring about what other people think means nothing because honestly who the hell cares? Who cares what I look like and what I dress like? Whose watching me? I’m done and I’m happy about it. 12/21/11
One day I swear I’ll do it. I’ll let everyone know everything. I’m sick of secrets and all the “oh I have to tell you something.” I done. I’m gonna let you know that I love you. I’m gonna let him know hes an asshole and I’m so happy he gones. I’m gonna let her know I’m tried of it and I don’t like. I’m gonna you all know EVERYTHING. I have ever hid and ever trusted someone with. All the secrets aren’t worth it. Its called telling the truth and its the only way to set you free. It’s worth it all and I’m ready for it. 12/8/11
I can’t wait to be with you again. I can’t wait to just see you let alone being able to be with you everday for a weekend. I guess not seeing since summer made me realize I only want you more. I don’t wanna wait anymore because the more I wait the more I want you back. The more I can’t wait to see you. Living so far away kills me but I guess in a weird way the wait is worth it because when we see each other it will be better than seeing each other everyday. 10/19/11
Lately, everything just seems like its falling apart. I can’t do this everyday. I wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, then eat dinner, then cry, then go to sleep. I cry everyday. I am just always upset. I must must sound like a crazy person but I just always wanna cry. I have the worst anxiety problems and I just wish that I could stay home curl up in a ball and eat and cry and sleep all day long. And even though my birthday is in 4 days that still doesn’t make me happy. It almost makes me more stressed out. I hate school and I hate this same rutine. I have so many problems and I wish that I could just feel alright. 9/20/11
And at the end of the day who do you really have? You can pretend all you want but there’s no one really there. No matter how many “friends” you think you have you really don’t. Honestly I hate how you always do this to me. I mean you’re one of my best friends and I love you and I am always here for you. But, how come I feel like that feeling isn’t mutual. I feel like I am more of a friend to you than you are to me. Maybe I am exaggerating here; I don’t know what to think. 9/8/11
Everyone told me I wasn’t gonna be the second choice this time. Everyone told me that I would be the one you picked. Well guess what everyone lied, you lied. You lied right to my face. You had no right and you still don’t. I don’t care if your gonna be done with her in a few months. I don’t care when you decide to break-up with her but if what everyone is telling me is right and you come after me, I don’t think I could do it. I may still love you but that doesn’t mean I can forget how you lied to me and lead me on. So cheers to being an asshole, you deserve at least that. 9/6/11
Maybe were meant to be or maybe we aren’t, but this right here, right now this sucks. I know that you messed with me and it sucks to find that out the hard way. I just wish that maybe we didn’t have to go our seperate ways. I just wish that maybe we could be together. But being here with you is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and staying here with you just won’t work out. So I wish you the best of luck I really do, but personally I want nothing to do with you ever again. 8/24/11
Sometimes I think back to all those times we had. I miss them. You were the only person I could actually act like a complete idiot too and you wouldn’t think anything of it. Now that your back I feel like everythings changed. You may still act the same but I feel replaced. And I know that I shouldn’t because things changed and new people came and im glad that we could at least still fix the pieces of our friendship that were broken but for I just wish that I was still that one person that you could act like that too. 8/19/11
I would love to beg you not to go. I would get on my knees and beg you not to go, but the thing is you won’t listen to me. You would shrug your shoulders and leave. I have been in love with you for 4 years now and you have played me so many times I lost count. Maybe its a good thing your leaving. But all I know is that you came into my life for a reason and now its time to go. So I guess this is it; I guess this your good-bye. Have fun see you in 2 years. 8/15/11
You I know I never really took the time to think about how lucky I am. I take everything for granted, and its not okay. I am such a lucky person. I am blessed with so many things. I have so many opportunities that most people don’t have. I have so many things to be thankful for and I realize that now. You should never ever take anything for granted because one day it might just change. 8/5/11
Every time I think of you she always comes into the picture. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t constantly think that maybe theres hope for me because you and me both know theres not and in the end shes gonna end up winning. I hate distance. I hate that I’m far away from you. I hate the fact that I can’t see you whenever I want and I hate the fact that we barley even talk anymore. One minute you think everythings going great and the next you realize that eveythings ruined. You think it could be going so well until you find out that one thing that everyones hiding from you. Well I can’t do it anymore. I sit here and pretend I have a chance when you won’t even talk to me. I have to forget about everything. Stop overanalyzing. Stop remembering the best moments. Stop hoping. Start forgetting. Start getting over it. You were the one who actually broke my heart. Thanks for that lesson. 8/3/11
You wanna play that game? Fine then you know what count me in because I can play it 10 times better than you can. And guess what in the end I’ll end up winning. So cut your losses now and give up because you and me both know that I’ll end up winning. 8/1/11
HAHAHAHAHAHA shut the hell up, asshole. Why do you always for some reason find the need to come running back to me? What do I look like your reminder of your wonderful childhood? Well guess what honey im not. I’m so sick and tired of you and all the crap you constantly bring into my life just let it go. I’m begging you to just leave me alone because for once in my life I’m not anyones second choice. I might actually be someones first and you know what I don’t need you to ruin it for me. 7/20/11
You know that feeling that you get when your around the person that your absolutely in love with. The butterflies, the neverousness, not knowing if they feel the same way about you. And even though you just met them you feel like you know everything about them and that you have known each other for years. You can see yourself with this person for many years to come. I hope to God its not just one of those summer flings because truth be told your more to me than that. And even though your two hours away your soooo worth the drive & the thrill. Baby we could go far so lets take the chance we have and run with it. 7/15/11
You. You. You. Why are you always on my mind? I would love to know why you say the things that you say to me and then act like you never said them. Why did you have to say it to me? Were you joking? Did you think it would be funny? Because I see no one laughing. Thanks for that one..next time I’ll realize what your trying to do.
Do you know there is no one else in the world that is as unique as you are. You are your own person and you are the only perosn on the face of this earth that is you. You are the only person that will ever live with your hair and your face and your eyes. How rad is that?
